Realizations Abroad

Out of the blue, these thoughts are coming to me. I might as well write and share it. A little mixed up, but I hope you’ll understand what I’m trying to convey.

“Taking Risk”

Life on earth is not perfect. On a daily basis, we encounter problems necessitating solutions. More often than not, problem solving is not an easy feat. It will require thorough thinking for you to attain a win-win situation. Lucky you if the outcome is favourable. However, there will be times drastic measures should be done before you can decipher a way out to a certain predicament. These measures include taking risk. A lot of people say that we should take risks so that our lives will be worthwhile. True enough for if we don’t, we’ll never know what’s waiting for us on the other side. It’s like our one-way ticket out from the “what if” and “if only” of this world. Keeping yourself on the safe zone won’t take you elsewhere. Yes, taking risk may lead to endless possibilities that will surprise you in many ways. You know what they say that you’ll never know until you take a chance.

The problem with taking risk is that there are no guarantees, no assurance, and no certainty. It’ll be a delight if that risk will equate victory, but what if it’s the other way around? Sometimes taking risk will lead to hurt, pain and suffering. Sometimes it turns out that the unexpected will occur rather than the anticipated outcome. All we have to do is accept it and move on. It’s hard, I know, but that’s the only option left. At least we knew what could have been. It’s always better to do the things you should and be sorry than being sorry for not doing the things you should have done in the first place. If you didn’t, you’ll be forever guessing. That’s harder. The only consolation is that you’ve satisfied your quest whatever the ending may be. At least you know where you stand. If it’s not good now, there’ll be another one for you to make it better.

“Saying No”

There will be questions that a “yes” or a “no” will be a perfect fit. It’s either you affirm or you negate the thought. A yes or no question is like being caught in between. It’s like a black and white situation with no room for grey areas. Oftentimes, people ask a question and expect a positive response. A yes is highly appreciated and a no brings some repercussions.

In this dog-eat-dog world, it is the fittest who will survive. Many are out there to take advantage of our innate goodness for their personal gain. It is up to us to say no on this matter and put an end to it. You can’t say yes all the time. Sometimes you have to say no and stand your ground otherwise you’ll be abused.

I’m the type of person who always compromise just to give way to other people’s wishes. I always try to find the middle ground just to make an amiable mood even if it means sacrificing portions of my personal joy.

But things are different now. I’m beginning to learn how to say no especially now that I’m overseas. If not, you’ll be exploited and mistreated. Some people will try to manipulate you and take charge over you. What now? They want you to be their robot that just follows commands, which doesn’t refuse nor retort. It’s not like that. You need to speak for yourself especially when the situation calls for it. You need to know your rights and what is meant for you. You need to learn how to discern when you’re being put in a very unfavourable state. You need to learn how to decline, to reject and to turn down when what’s being asked is rubbish and absurd.

You can’t always agree just to please them. Always settling with someone else’s desire puts you on that person’s favour but what if your own happiness is being denied? I think it’s about time to go the other way and fight for what is rightfully yours. By saying no to what you believe is wrong and unjust, you are making a statement that you are in control and you won’t let anyone manoeuvre you towards the crooked path.

I remember our Indian doctor telling me that it is in our nature, Filipinos being enslaved by the Spaniards for over 300 years, to always say yes. I think it’s about time to eliminate that connotation and start to make a stand especially if you know what you are fighting for is right and reasonable, just like what our heroes did centuries ago.

“Trusting People”

Trust just like respect is not being imposed, it is earned. I’ve read a couple of days back that you can’t always trust the person you love but you can always love the person you trust. It’s logical.

Call me naïve but I have a tendency to trust people easily. Strangers who can speak eloquently can catch my attention, thus my trust. I remember attending this seminar along with my aunt and uncle about a certain mega-nutritional product and the speakers were good. Way too good to be true. They sounded convincing and very encouraging. We just found ourselves joining their networking scheme. Just look where those flowery words and promises took us, but that was the thing of the past. My point is sometimes people can be deceiving. Some will use stories of triumphs and successes to attract you. Some will use sob stories and their miseries to warrant your sympathy.

Being trusted is a wonderful feeling. Also, it feels great when you can put your confidence on somebody else. However, being too unquestioning can be a disadvantage especially when you’re abroad. I’ve heard a lot of horror stories back home and we’ve been warned not to be too trusting here because you’ll never know who’ll be genuinely trustworthy. Fortunately, I found friends in my workmates whom I can depend upon.

There was this one incident that happened a few months back when one Filipino borrowed a small amount of money to allegedly buy some necessities. At first I was hesitant, but because of his stories, and the fact the he’s also a Filipino, I pitied him and lend him the money in full conviction. He promised that he will pay me back on the next salary. Four salaries have passed but I never heard from him. What’s worse is that when we see each other, he speaks nothing and acts as if he owed me nothing. I’m not after the money anymore; it’s just that I want him to say something like, “I’m sorry I can’t pay you back anymore.” That I can accept. So basically, I just charged it to experience but I’ll definitely think twice, thrice before lending money again. 

Ever heard of trust no one except yourself? For some instances it’s true, but look around you, you have your friends and family. If all else fails, look up, God is there. Trust Him and His heart and you’ll never go wrong. That’s for sure.

“Let Down”

This is another trust issue. What if the only person you are relying to let you down? Definitely you’ll be disappointed, frustrated and mad. For a period of time, those emotions are valid. It’s ridiculous when the people you’re counting on seemed to turn their backs on you. What hurts most is that they don’t seem to care at all. Strangely, you’ll feel like a ball thrown in the air with no one left to catch.

During a plight you’ll definitely run to someone you trust, believe and expect that can help you. You held your hopes high, too high that you get devastated afterwards because that someone was a let-down. That someone who should act as your advocate has neither sympathy nor empathy. You’re only looking for support and assistance that appeared to be unreachable. Why? I don’t know and I’ll just rest my case.

Moving on, we all know that every cloud has a silver lining. In times of crisis, there’ll be someone on your rescue. What makes things extraordinary is that the one saving you from your misery is the least person you expected. That doubles the joy afterwards. The willingness of that person, the sincerity of his/her heart and the warm encouragement he/she gives you are enough to suffice the nuisance of that let-down.

Always remember that in times of distress, all we have to do is kneel and pray for our Father in heaven is our Portion and Deliverer. Note to self: He will make us glad.

“Being Away”

Filipinos, as influenced by the Chinese culture, have strong family ties. Amidst the technological advances and the changes of time, I believe that many Filipino families are still holding on to these ties. This may be the reason why it’s so hard to leave your family behind. Being away from them is truly a cross to carry. But why do we need to part ways temporarily? The reasons vary.

I personally set foot on a foreign land for practical reasons, that is, to gain professional experience. Admit it or not, Nurses like me are having difficulty attaining a hospital employment in the Philippines. It’s either you end up unemployed or get a job mismatch. That’s the reason why many of us, willingly or forcibly leave the country.

The distance and time difference can drive you crazy. Nobody is strong enough once homesickness strikes. Nobody’s out there to look after you. Basically, you’re on your own.

But come to think of it, this being away can be a good time for yourself. I’ve read in some articles than in order for you to find yourself, you need to be lost. Being away is the perfect time to grow and mature, to discover and rediscover yourself, to broaden your horizon and to open your eyes for you to better understand the world.

I know this being away is just temporary so might as well use it to my advantage. There will be challenges along the way but we Filipinos are known for being resilient. By being optimistic and realistic, these trials will be a doddle.

On a serious note, working offshore is bearable compared to the separation brought about by death. Just recently, my uncle’s mother-in-law (may she rest in peace) passed away. The event was so sudden and took everyone by surprise. I can’t imagine how it feels and I never want to be in that situation. I don’t even want to think about it. I fervently pray to the Lord that may He extend our days here on earth for us to continue to enjoy the wonders of His love.

So I’ll take the good with the bad with this milestone in my life and make the most out of it. I’m certainly looking forward to coming home and being with my family and friends once more. No goodbyes just see you again… soon.

Agree or disagree?

Two Years

Ano nga ba ang speed ng panahon? Gaano ba talaga kabilis o kabagal tumakbo ang oras? Sana ang buhay ay may remote control. May rewind para maaari natin itong i-set sa mga panahong pinakagusto nating balik-balikan. May fast forward para lampasan natin ang mga low times ng buhay natin. May record para mapanatili natin ang mga magaganda at masasayang ala-ala. May pause para patigilin natin ang oras sa kasalukuyang sitwasyon na kinalalagyan natin na kung saan pakiramdam natin na everything is perfect. Ito ay isang sana na imposibleng mangyari dahil ang buhay ng tao ay naka-continuous play at tanging si Lord lang ang may control at ang may kapangyarihang pindutin ang stop button.

Some six months ago, nakita ko na lang ang sarili ko sa airport katabi ng cart ng aking maleta at iba pang bagahe kasama si Lola Luding, dalawang kapatid ko, si Mama, si Papa at si Nanay. Eto na yung portion ng makabagbag-damdaming paalamanan katulad ng mga napapanood natin sa pelikula pero walang ganoong nangyari. Wala akong matandaang emosyon ng mga oras na yun. Everything seemed so surreal. Nangyari na lang ang lahat in a snap at pakiramdam ko ay hindi pa ako handa. Tahimik lamang ako ngunit maraming tanong ang bumabagabag sa isipan ko. Anong ginagawa ko dito? Sigurado ba ako sa papasukin ko? Kaya ko ba to? Ano ba talaga ang gusto kong mangyari? Ambivalence, yun na.

Matagal-tagal na panahon din ang hinintay namin bago dumating ang opportunity na ito para sa akin. Dapat ay nag-lululundag na ako sa tuwa dahil sa wakas natupad na din yung matagal naming pinapanalangin, pero I felt indifferent about the situation. I should be alive, alert, awake, enthusiastic dahil after so long, magsisimula na ang career ko. I should be embracing the situation with zeal dahil I’m about to embark on something great na dapat some years ago ko pa nasimulan. Kumbaga, nahuli na ako sa byahe dahil yung ibang kasabayan ko ay naghaharvest na ng fruits of their labours dahil they started their professional adventure early on, right after college graduation. Hindi naman ako nagtamad-tamaran pagkagraduate, sinubukan ko naman humanap ng trabaho pero hindi naman lingid sa ating lahat ang krisis na kinahaharap ng overpopulated nursing community ng Pinas. Napagod, nadismaya at nawalan na ng gana, nagpasya akong talikuran na ang propesyon na ito at pinalad naman na makapasok sa ultimate alternative industry para sa nag-uumapaw na mga Pinoy Nars, ang call center. “Hello, thank you for calling [insert company name], my name is [insert your name], how may I help you today? [insert conversation of less than 2 minutes]… is there anything else I can help you with? Thank you for calling us and have a good one!” Masaya naman at pakiramdam ko ay kuntento na ako dahil kumikita na ako at nakakapag-ipon kahit papaano at yun naman ang ginusto ko dati pa e, ang magtrabaho sa air conditioned office na may computer sa desk on a usual 8-5 shift although graveyard shift kami palagi dahil taga-Tate ang mga clients namin.

My call center stint was short-lived. Hindi ko alam kung sadyang obedient child ako or sadyang takot lang ako gumawa ng desisyon para sa sarili ko dahil sinunod ko na naman ang gusto nila. Sabi nila, sayang daw yung pinag-aralan ko kung hindi ko gagamitin, na ang iniisip ko lang ay yung ngayon at hindi yung pangmatagalan and so on. Katulad ng isang di-susing laruan, isang pihit lang ay nakasunod na agad. Balik na naman ako sa pagiging bum habang naghahanap ng trabaho sa ospital. Pero wala pa din. Bakit daw hindi ako mag-volunteer? Ang sagot ko naman ay kaya nga ako may lisensya para magkatrabaho at kumita kaya bakit ako magbo-volunteer? Talo, kinain ko ang sinabi ko. Nag-volunteer at nag-training ako ng ilang panahon. Ang saklap lang kasi dahil gumaganap kami bilang staff pero kami pa ang nagbabayad para sa training, hindi pa kasali ang pagkain, pamasahe at syempre ang mga side trips. In short, graduate na ako at professional sa papel pero nakaasa pa din sa pamilya. Parang bingi at bulag ang gobyerno sa nangyayari sa mga dakilang ginusto talagang maging nars upang magsilbi sa kapwa at sa mga katulad ko na napilitang pasukin ang noble calling na pinagbibidahan ni Florence Nightingale. Well, hindi naman lahat ay masamang ala-ala. Naging masaya din ang mga panahon na yun dahil natuto at nahasa ako kahit papaano at syempre, marami akong nakilalang tao na nagpasaya at nagpapasaya sa akin kahit masalimuot ang daan. Ito ang magsisilbing baon ko para sa mga darating na araw.

Hanggang dumating na ang inaasahan o ang hindi inaasahan? Opportunity knocks only once sabi nila kaya kahit hindi ako sigurado at puno pa ng agam-agam, I took the chance. Ayoko naman maging inggrato kaya malaki ang pasasalamat ko kay Lord sa pagkakataon na ibinigay Niya sa akin at sa mga taong ginamit nya upang maging posible ito. “Ready ka na ba? Baka mamaya pagdating mo dun iiyak ka at sasabihin mong gusto ko ng umuwi.” Yan ang running joke sa akin. Isang matapang na, “oo naman!” ang sagot ko kahit at the back of my mind ay hindi ko talaga alam ang sagot, lalo na at hindi ako sigurado sa gusto kong mangyari. Sa gitna ng katahimikan ng aking pag-iisa, pilit kong tinatanong ang sarili ko ngunit hindi ko sya masagot. Added pressure pa dahil it’s another first sa buhay ko. Sa loob ng 25 years, first time ko lang malalayo sa pamilya ko at sa abroad pa ang punta ko. Hindi biro yun dahil hindi naman pwedeng pag nainip ako ay sasakay lang ako ng taxi at nasa bahay na ulit ako. 4,741.61 miles more or less ang pinag-uusapan natin dito. Once I set foot sa eroplano, there’s no turning back. “Ihatid nyong lahat yan dahil baka hindi sumakay sa eroplano para maitulak nyo,” biro ng tiyuhin ko.

Hinayaan ko lang dumaan ang mga araw na wari ba’y in denial pa rin sa napapalapit na paglisan. Pilit kong hindi iniisip na aalis ako at lalayo. Sinulit ko na lang yung mga araw bago ang departure ko, pero tila nasobrahan ako sa pag-eenjoy na hindi ako nag-abala mag-empake kaya ang ending ay cramming the night before. Magdamag kaming gising ni Tita Ning kakaayos ng mga dadalhin ko, paglalagay sa maleta, pagsara nito, pagkilo at pagbukas muli dahil sobra sa timbang. Ang hirap dahil may limit ang mga bagahe, e parang gusto kong dalhin ang buong bahay namin pag-alis ko. Pero katulad ng tunay na buhay, may mga bagay kang kailangang bitiwan at iwanan dahil makakabigat lamang ito sa iyong paglalakbay. Sa wakas ay natapos din sa pag-eempake at bahala na sa airport kung magka-excess baggage man. Nakaiglip rin ako kahit papaano at paggising ko ay pinagmasdan ko ang cellphone ko at wall clock na tila ba nagbibilang ng oras, minute, segundo. Ganun pala yun pag alam mong something is about to end, katulad na lang ng pagbibilang ng oras ng mga cancer patients na tinaningan na ang buhay o kaya naman ng isang convicted na naghihintay ng death sentence. Well in my case, binibilang ko ang natitirang oras ko bago magsimula ang panibagong yugto ng buhay ko, a positive event that I’m uncertain of. I felt numb that time, wala akong maramdaman, tahimik at parang ayaw lumabas ng mga salita sa bibig ko, lutang at blangko. Kumain ng konti, naligo, nagbihis, nilagay ang mga bagahe sa sasakyan at nagpaalam na sa mga tao sa bahay. Lumapit sa’kin si Mommy Cons at sinabing, “O ang daming magpapaalam sayo o,” at hindi ko na napigilan ang mapaluha at niyakap nya ko habang humihikbi. Pinunasan ko ang luha ko at pinilit magpakatatag at ngumiti. Biniro pa ako ng pinsan kong si Aumi, “naks, ang tapang o, hindi umiyak.” “Wala na, tapos na!” “Ay sayang, kanina ko pa inaabangan,” tugon niya at nagtawanan kami.

Nabalot ng katahimikan ang aming sinasakyan patungong airport. Nagtulog-tulugan para maiwasan ang kahit anumang conversation, nagpakabusy sa pakikipagtext sa mga kaibigan at ibang kamag-anak para magpaalam. Hanggang sa dumating na kami sa airport, 6 hours bago ang flight. Ang aga namin, eto naman kasing agency sabi agahan para kung sakaling may problema ay may allowance sa oras. Fortunately, wala naman kaya sabi ko sana ay nag-ikot muna kami sa MOA para nakapag-last bonding kaso nandun na kami e. Dahil Pinoy tayo, hindi mawawala ang kodakan pagkatapos ay nagpray at nagpaalaman na kami. Mabuti na lang at may kasabay akong aalis kaya hindi magiging masyadong malungkot ang flight ko. Pumasok na kami para mag-check in at hindi ko na sila nilingon pa. Yun ang mali ko dahil dalawang taon ko silang hindi makikita. Sayang.

Two years? Kaya ko kaya? Ang tagal naman nun. Hindi mo naman malalaman kung hindi mo susubukan. “Sandali lang ang dalawang taon,” sabi nila. Madaling sabihin pero pag ikaw na yung nasa sitwasyon e parang hindi ka kumbinsido. Sa ngayon ay palapit na ko sa ikapitong buwan ko dito pero pakiramdam ko ay ang tagal ko na dito.  Ganun talaga siguro pag malayo ka talaga sa mga mahal mo sa buhay, parang ang bagal ng pihit ng oras. Ang isang araw ay parang katumbas ng isang linggo. Isama mo pa dyan ang magkaibang time zone. Kahit 5 hours lang ang pagitan ng Pilipinas at Qatar ay mahirap pa din dahil tulog ako kapag gising sila and vice versa at minsan naman ay busy sa trabaho kaya walang chance na makacommunicate. Para-paraan lang yan.

Two years na solo flight? Kaya ko kaya? You have to look after yourself. Isa siguro sa mga maraming bagay na maituturo sayo ng pagiging OFW ay ang maging self-sufficient. Wala kang nanay na maglalaba at mamamalantsa ng damit mo, wala kang lola na magluluto ng paborito mong pagkain. Wala, walang-wala kundi ang sarili mo lang. Mula paggising mo hanggang sa muli mong pagtulog ay ikaw lang ang mag-aasikaso sa sarili mo kaya katulad ng tagline ng Clusivol, “bawal magkasakit,” dahil mahirap na sitwasyon yan pag nasa abroad ka.

Two years away from your friends and loved ones? Kaya ko kaya? Mahirap ito lalo na kung sobrang attached ka sa mga kaibigan at sa pamilya mo lalo na kung first time ka lang lalayo. Aaminin ko na may mga panahon napapaisip ako na baka masanay sila na wala ako at ituloy nila ang buhay nila na hindi ako kasama. Mabuti na lang at lagi nila akong nirereaassure na hindi ganun yun. May mga araw din na sa iyong pag-iisa ay bigla kang aatakihin ng pinakamatinding kalaban ng mga bagong bayani, ang homesickness. Kahit anong tanggi mo, kahit anong pigil mo, darating at darating ang mga sandaling mararamdaman mo ito. Mahirap ngunit kailangan mong labanan. May mga panahon na maiisip mo na ayaw mo na, gusto mo ng sumuko pero hindi pwede. Hindi dapat. Sinasabi ko na lang lagi sa sarili ko na konting tiis lang, ngayon ka pa ba ako aayaw e nandito na ako. Napagtiisan ko na ng ilang panahon kaya pagtitiyagaan ko na. May mga panahon na ayaw kong hawakan ang cellphone ko para mag-long distance call dahil lalo ko lang silang mamimiss pero may mga panahon din na marinig ko pa lang ang mga boses nila ay para na akong nabubuhayan muli ng loob. Eto yung mga sandaling naiisip ko na sana pwede kong pabilisin ang oras, na sana may magic carpet ako para makakauwi ako araw-araw sa Pinas, na sana I can bend time and space katulad ni Hiro sa Heroes at sana ay may bulsa ako katulad nung kay Doraemon na may magic door.

Two years. Ano nga ba ang gagawin ko sa loob ng dalawang taon? To do what is expected of me, to gain experience and to earn and save funds. Yan siguro ang primary answers to my last question. Pero hindi ko siguro lubusang masasagot ang tanong na ito hanggang dumating ako sa dulo ng paglalakbay na ito. Marami ang pwedeng mangyari sa loob ng dalawang taon. May saya at may lungkot dahil hindi perpekto ang buhay. Minsan kong nabasa ang mga katagang, “If today is meant to be perfect, there will be no need for tomorrow.” Tama nga naman. So kung anuman ang mayroon ako ngayon at kung nasaan man ako ngayon ay dapat ipagpasalamat ko dahil hindi lahat ay nabibigyan ng ganitong pagkakataon. Ang dapat ko lang gawin ay take the good with the bad, make the most out of it and enjoy the experience. Anong malay natin, baka sa loob ng two years na ito ay masagot ko na kung ano talaga ang gusto kong gawin sa buhay ko. Baka dito ko mahanap ang direksyon na dapat kong sundin. Sipag, tiyaga, pagsisikap at syempre trust and faith in God ang dapat pairalin dahil He leads us where we should be.

So live each day as it comes and be a good team player of life. Be patient and soon you’ll be led to your happiness for someday this’ll all make sense.

P.S. Open contract pala kami, so meaning hindi lang ito two years. Inshallah.